Bad Dog Day

….perhaps you know the one, the day before was great, yoga session, friends visiting, positive phone calls and errands, food delivery, great night of TV and planning ahead, then BAM..

6.39, you wake, agitated and hungover,(oh did I forget to mention the double shot of Brandy, the shame), and all reasons to be cheerful sucked out by the night. The energy and inspiration all washed up and depleted, a grim winters day, wind howling, light already fading here in the North West, I want to sleep on but can’t, I want to sleep on in perpetuity, I could….

every move I make the dog trips me over, the veil of positivity and logic is transparent today, I can only walk two or three steps before I ache for oxygen, the toilet door catches my tubing, and pulls painfully at my nose and ears, the green lights in my world turn to red. I want to run out the house and escape the encroaching crunch down, the loud constant hissing from the oxygen, the dark damp mildewed walls, the washing up, the piling rubbish and laundry. I sink down to my knees and wait for something to change, all by its self.

I lift my head, my hands and feet blue and numb from the cold drought circulating round me on the floor, t-shirt and pants, tears fall, no help arrives, no mummy, no body.

this the lesson I should have learned in childhood, self soothing, in womanhood, self soothing, marriage and life, self soothing.

so yoga pose baby steps, crawl, pull, stand, washup, sun in my eyes, blinding me, hot water on my hands, I feel less hopeless, yes, life’s not worth living, body doesn’t know that though, so keeps getting what it needs, water, hot drink, food, defecation, ok, I’m back….

Published by julia

Hi. My name is Julia, I live with a lung disability, causing all kinds of physical hurdles, and to be honest I am just trying to reach the end of each day with a sense of personal meaning and accomplishment. This blog is part of that goal, a human satellite spitting out data. I really look forward to hearing something back!

2 thoughts on “Bad Dog Day

  1. Julia in your written words, sentences, pauses and full stops…… you have summed up for me what I thought I understood about you and your days, only now reflecting even more clearly how the everydayness of your life is so coloured by and so close to your lack of everydayness. Your strength is your ability to be fluid and present to both. Keep writing…X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What can l say, feel l know it already .life is hard and you seem to find such deep resources. However you feel you are also so strong. Xx

    Like

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