A Brief History of My Time

After a diagnosis in 2007, I was told by a 20 something Dr. that I had probably two years to live, and laughed when I mentioned my work, saying “oh you won’t be going back, you’ll be spending a lot of time here while we try and figure out what’s the best option for you”. Flicking her hair and really terribly excited.

As a single parent to a seven year old son, just back into full time work, which I loved and was good at, her 15 minute consult, which I had sat in a corridor from 11.15 am (appointment time) to 7.45pm to hear was devastating.

I accepted my fate and began “le grand tour” of hospital consultants, and their minions.

I’m sitting on the sofa and suddenly realise I’ve been a bubble for maybe 20 minutes, shake it out and remember making coffee,

all the people I know in person, with chronic conditions have some aspect of terrible lifestyles, diet and habits, but don’t really address it. This is the real enemy in many cases. The diagnosis brings with it many charms, validation for the suffering you’ve been through, a drug filled melee, softening the mind and resolve, thank you Oromorph, offering some relief, armies of staff and clinical and hospital care, at least here in the UK, and a clearing of the confusion of what’s happening to you.

sadly what happens next can come as a bit of a surprise,

I turned into a toxic toad, massively overweight due to steroids, a moon faced triangle of flesh, who only slept badly and drank at least two bottles of wine a night, wired and angry, the pain had gone though,(happy face)

Half way through 6 months of chemotherapy I kind of woke up. My mind had been planning it for a while, picking up clues here and there from various sources. What had I been waiting for?

In two weeks I was completely transformed, looking like a different person, so in that two weeks I had stopped taking all my painkillers, and began green juicing, herbal raw food cleanses, drinking enough water, no alcohol, no caffeine, skin brushing, no meat and fish, no stress, (well that’s another story.)

I didn’t stop the chemo though. I finished the course. As far as I was being told I had a chronic debilitating lung disease, an autoimmune attack causing scarring on my lungs. I was oxygen depleted and at the same time had a connective tissue disorder causing severe debilitating pain in my joints, so…. I was able to stop the infection by taking control of the factors causing an internal environment so toxic that the body’s system imploded, generating scores of infections to course through by precious body.

I learned so much about healing myself, and the world of alternative therapies that I thought I had become a master(sic), using myself as a guinea pig, I would try almost anything, I was a personal folk hero to myself for boldly rejecting the allopathic western model of healthcare, and became increasingly bold , in order to reach nirvana, err I mean a cure, for myself. I almost nearly did it.

People who knew my story supported when they could , and I had a grand old time, getting better. New foods, new lifestyle, new friends and colleagues, yes I became one if the wounded healers so beloved of folk lore, but not really, never really took off, obviously, but it did keep me going well past my newly ascribed 2 year expiry date.

I halted the infection enough to remain stable in my out of breath permanently desaturated state until 2015. I caught double severe pneumonia, and was told probably won’t get out of this one. This was the first time I had accessed allopathic treatment in six or seven years. And was testament to how far I had fallen, how words not deeds had become dominant, I had lost the plot.

I remember thinking oh god I really made a mistake, oh boy this is it, a sinking fast condensing of my life, and no I didn’t pray to god for a stay of execution, but I did accept it and with that acceptance came the sure knowledge it wasn’t my time yet, I knew my body better than that.

So I made it out alive and damaged, enough to need full time oxygen, 24/7. At the time I was just grateful, but honestly now I feel so gutted that I didn’t resist and heal enough to not need it or cope without it.

So up to date. I’m an integrated care patient, I use and rely on Alternative methods of healing and also what is useful from Allopathy. I have great respect and love for both.

Published by julia

Hi. My name is Julia, I live with a lung disability, causing all kinds of physical hurdles, and to be honest I am just trying to reach the end of each day with a sense of personal meaning and accomplishment. This blog is part of that goal, a human satellite spitting out data. I really look forward to hearing something back!

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