self-consciousness

peek a boo

it used to be that I was slightly self conscious about people always seeing me on the sofa asleep, or just doing stuff. I live in a bungalow and the living room feels like a fish bowl, as nightfall came I was always in a rush to close the curtains as it got darker and so easier to see in. Sometimes I would be on the sofa watching T.V. or whatever and would glance up and see someone in the opposite house or walking by eye to eye. As if they had just walked in, almost.

It was a moment that irked me, or possibly in some way embarrassed me. My embarrassment stemmed from the fact that I was always doing the same thing, or so I thought, think, and definitely not doing enough, as a disabled, chronically ill person who always comparing herself to the old one, who had legs to get back and forth easily and arms to carry heavy loads, now I shuffle about, and drop cups or spoons like they’re too much for me, or possibly the fact I might see them in the morning and then again at night, and I would be in the same place and position Oh the shame.

peacock with nothing to prove

After the first week of being grounded, I realised I no longer felt any sense of self consciousness. Watching and feeling everyone I had been living around recently going thru’ the self same expressions and averted glances, that then became nods, and then smiles as we all succumb to the business of what to do when you can’t go out. I don’t even close the curtains anymore. Literally can’t remember why it used to bother me so much.

Also…I have accepted a bit more that I’m quite active in some sense, slow, but active. Lots of balls in the air, juggling like a pro, and choosing activity based solely on my whim. One thing sit, one thing stand, mindless activity -v-academic rigour. Tick Tock, Left Right.

Prior to the Big C being a human being just wasn’t enough through all the baggage and pressure to really sit with the knowledge we are all each one fragment of a collective experience, no differences that matter; blood and bone. In port or at sea. But the whole world… everywhere feeling this, about that.

please remember that it would be heart warming to hear from the people who have subscribed, read or followed this site. Any comments or likes are slavishly drooled over, and even tho’ I can see how many people may have read these missives, it would be great to know more about you. Or not, enjoy anyway.

Published by julia

Hi. My name is Julia, I live with a lung disability, causing all kinds of physical hurdles, and to be honest I am just trying to reach the end of each day with a sense of personal meaning and accomplishment. This blog is part of that goal, a human satellite spitting out data. I really look forward to hearing something back!

3 thoughts on “self-consciousness

  1. I have found it hard to just drop a line (not sure if that’s me and the internet media stuff I’m so unfamiliar with) but hope you get this. I love the words, the pics and following how it is for you, described wonderfully. Keep well little peacock. Dawn

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your unique perspective with us. I think Covid-19 has made me more self-conscious because I really need a haircut, and no barber shops are open. (I don’t have much hair on the top of my head and what I have is growing like a silly patch of weeds!) Take care of yourself, Julia. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

What's Ray Saying?

deep fried history, smothered in social commentary, served with a slice of REAL LIFE!

My Life With Gracie

A Backyard Garden Is A Perfect Place For Chickens

Lampelina

spreading the word about mental health & sharing some personal experience

Going Medieval

Medieval History, Pop Culture, Swearing

Picnic with Ants

My life disABLED with Chronic Ilnnesses, it just IS. Taking one moment at a time.

Captainforadayfoolforalifetime

A fool's blog, written by a foolish captain

EverydayVibes

Fine art, abstract art, contemporary art.

jacquiluvslife

Not another bloody poem!

It's More Than Tea

jill's tea blog

Hyatt Analysis Services

Deception detection through Statement Analysis

You Look Okay To Me

The Online Space for Chronic Illness

Simply Chronically Ill

thoughts from someone who lives it

Autoimmunitygirl

Advocating for Autoimmune fighters, their carers and supporters. - We are also on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram

Womenwithgifts.org

We are changing the world one woman at a time-#womenwithgifts

VINAZINE

Stories and advice from the Hey! VINA community to live your best life.

Lily Hamilton

Fantasy Fiction writer and Amateur hobby artist

Brainless Blogger

A blog about chronic illness and chronic pain life

%d bloggers like this: