it used to be that I was slightly self conscious about people always seeing me on the sofa asleep, or just doing stuff. I live in a bungalow and the living room feels like a fish bowl, as nightfall came I was always in a rush to close the curtains as it got darker and so easier to see in. Sometimes I would be on the sofa watching T.V. or whatever and would glance up and see someone in the opposite house or walking by eye to eye. As if they had just walked in, almost.
It was a moment that irked me, or possibly in some way embarrassed me. My embarrassment stemmed from the fact that I was always doing the same thing, or so I thought, think, and definitely not doing enough, as a disabled, chronically ill person who always comparing herself to the old one, who had legs to get back and forth easily and arms to carry heavy loads, now I shuffle about, and drop cups or spoons like they’re too much for me, or possibly the fact I might see them in the morning and then again at night, and I would be in the same place and position Oh the shame.
After the first week of being grounded, I realised I no longer felt any sense of self consciousness. Watching and feeling everyone I had been living around recently going thru’ the self same expressions and averted glances, that then became nods, and then smiles as we all succumb to the business of what to do when you can’t go out. I don’t even close the curtains anymore. Literally can’t remember why it used to bother me so much.
Also…I have accepted a bit more that I’m quite active in some sense, slow, but active. Lots of balls in the air, juggling like a pro, and choosing activity based solely on my whim. One thing sit, one thing stand, mindless activity -v-academic rigour. Tick Tock, Left Right.
Prior to the Big C being a human being just wasn’t enough through all the baggage and pressure to really sit with the knowledge we are all each one fragment of a collective experience, no differences that matter; blood and bone. In port or at sea. But the whole world… everywhere feeling this, about that.
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